holden {one week}

*** This is an old post that I came across as I was looking for a different post.  I noticed that it was saved as a draft and had never been published.  I am not sure now why I never posted it.  Just forgot?  Too afraid to tell about our first week of parenthood being a tough one?  Who knows.  I'm really glad I wrote it as I had already forgotten some of the specifics.***

Holden turned 1 week old on October 4th (my mom's birthday- or as we now call her, Gigi!).

38 weeks ;-)  *1 week old*

Disclaimer:  This is going to be a long, probably boring, over-informative post.  I just want to remember the first week of Holden's life.  Future weekly posts won't be this detailed.  I also want to post it because I like to keep it real and the first week of having a newborn was a bit rough for us....and I suspect it is for many other new parents as well.  Don't feel pressured to read all of this- you can feel free to scroll quickly through and just glance at pictures. Ha! :)

Wow, what a week.  You came into this world a week ago.  Since then, we have felt a myriad of emotions.  Excitement, happiness, elation, pride, joy, stress, exhaustion, overwhelmed, worry, sadness....but mostly, LOVE.  We cannot explain how much we love you.  Your daddy said at one ponit this week while looking at you, "I knew I was going to love him a lot, but I didn't know I was going to love him this much."  We are so in love with you!

Tuesday you were born.  (I still plan to post the birth story eventually.)  Pappy, Gigi, and Aunt Sophia were at the hospital when you were born.  (Gigi was in the delivery room.) Mamaw & Papaw came shortly after you were born to meet you. 

Tuesday night in the hospital, your daddy and I got about 1 hour of sleep.  We were busy getting settled in to the post-partum unit.  We sent you to the nursery so we could get some rest for about 2 hours...but only ended up sleeping for about 1 hour...if that.  Mommy was trying to nurse you every 2-3 hours.  You were soooooo sleepy.  It was very difficult to wake you up to nurse.

Wednesday was a busy day with lots of different people in and out.  Pappy, Gigi, and Aunt Sophia came to visit again.  "Auntie Andrea" came to visit you, too.  She still had baby Emery in her belly.  Mommy's friend, Shonda, came to visit and brought us yummy food from Calistoga.  She also brought you a cute halloween outfit!  Later that night, "Auntie Andrea" came again with two of mommy's friends from work, Samantha & Rachel.  They brought gifts from a baby shower they had for you.  They were hoping to get to hold you but unfortunately, you were in the nursery for an assessment and to get circumcised.  You ended up staying in the nursery for longer than expected because your circ site would not stop bleeding.  This really upset Mommy!  When they finally brought you back to us, I cried and cried because I felt so bad for you.  I've helped hold babies when they have gotten circumcised before when I worked in the NICU and it never bothered me.  I began to realize then and there that it is totally different when it is YOUR baby.  You were so tiny and helpless...already having been through the trauma of birth...and now this... I hurt because you hurt.  I probably hurt more than you did.  Wednesday night when they weighed you you weighed 6 lbs.

Thursday was "going home day!"  There was less discharge teaching than I expected.  It wasn't long before we were packed and ready to go.  You wore an outfit that my mammaw, your great grandma, bought for you.  You looked so cute and little in your carseat.  I sat with you in the backseat while Daddy drove us home.  I was so tired that I actually fell asleep on the way home.  We took you inside and "showed you" your room.  Daddy held you in the rocking chair while I let your brother, Doug the Pug, out of his cage to meet you.  He sniffed and sniffed you.  He wanted to get up in Daddy's lap, too.  He was very excited!  "Auntie Megan," Jared, and Lola came to visit this evening.  Lola wasn't quite sure what to think about you and looked very concerned when you cried!  I already don't remember much about the rest of the evening.  We woke you up that night every 2-3 hours to nurse.  You slept in your bassinet next to our bed.

On Friday, we had your first pediatrician appointment.  This was an unexpected very stressful appointment.  You weighed 5 lbs 8.5 oz.  (Your birth weight was 6 lbs. 5 oz).  You also had a low temperature of around 96.5 and your bilirubin was elevated....not too high but it was increasing, which wasn't a good thing.  The low temperature really threw us off.  You had not had any low temps while in the hospital.  We had even checked your temperature at home the night before just out of curiosity and it was fine.  The pediatrician was also concerned with your weight loss.  It was to be expected that you would lose weight...but apparently you had lost more than he was comfortable with.  The combination of the weight loss, low temp, and bilirubin elevation was concerning.  The pediatrician had me do skin-to-skin with you to raise your temperature.  It took two rounds (and a threat of hospital admission if your temp didn't rise) of that to raise your temperature....after which your temp was over 99.  He also had me give you a bottle of formula just to see what you would do.  You sucked down the whole bottle (2 oz).  (Albeit, you did spit up probably close to an ounce afterward.)  The pediatrician suggested we supplement nursing with formula over night and come back the next day for another weight check.  Mommy was not excited about giving you formula because I was afraid of nipple confusion and because I just didn't want you to have that yucky formula.  ;)  But, we did it anyway.  I cried all throughout the appointment.  I cried at home later that evening.  It was very stressful for me because I felt like I was failing at breastfeeding you.  (My milk had not come in yet.)  Your Aunt Lesley, Uncle Stan, and cousins Hannah, Logan, and Natalie came to visit that evening as well as "Auntie Tia."

Saturday, we went back to the pediatrician.  You had gained 3 ounces...which is A LOT for one day.  They suggested we not give you as much formula so that you would be hungry enough to nurse better and come back on Monday for another weight check.  Saturday, Pappy, Gigi, and Aunt Sophia came.  Gigi and Aunt Sophia stayed the night.  Daddy had to go back to work 4 p.m. - 4 a.m.  Mommy was NOT ready for him to go back...and he wasn't ready to go back either.  I don't think I had ever seen him look as sad as he did when he left for work.  I cried when he left.  I cried because you wouldn't hardly wake up to nurse.  My milk was beginning to come in...but we did not have the hang of nursing yet and I wondered if we ever would.  We did not supplement with formula. 

Sunday, my milk came in and you started doing a lot better with nursing.  So we decided to definitely not supplement anymore.  I don't remember much more about this day.  I should have written this stuff down sooner!

Monday was our next doctor appointment.  You lost weight- you were 5 lbs. 10.5 oz.  I wasn't surprised you lost because it had been such a big gain with the formula supplementation and because we hadn't supplemented over the weekend.  Pediatrician wasn't overly concerned since he knew that my milk supply had been established now and that you were doing well breastfeeding.  He told us to come back on Friday for another weight check to make sure you were gaining.  Yes, I cried again at the pediatrician's office.  I was just so discouraged and felt like I wasn't getting any credit for all of the hard work I was putting in to try to get you to nurse well and gain weight.  This is one of the difficult things about breastfeeding: it is something else to critique and judge and guilt and second-guess yourself about. 

Tuesday - ONE WEEK OLD! :)  And already it is getting easier and we are falling more and more in love with you every day!  We went to Babies "R" Us this evening to buy a baby scale so that we can weigh you here at home.  Mommy cannot take the stress of the unknown! ;)  After Babies "R" Us we went to Target to get a few things and then I nursed you in the car in the parking lot.  Then we went to Olive Garden to eat.  You slept in your carseat the whole time.  This was also Gigi's birthday.  You sent her a sweet birthday message. ;)

Sweet Boy

Please excuse the poor quality via the iphone self-pic camera.  

I think you can still see how sweet my boy is.

So sweet.

These are the moments that I wish would last forever.

I hope I never forget the way his little hands feel on my face...

or how my kisses just sink into his squishy cheeks.

Sometimes I wonder... will he ever truly know how much we love him?

How he was the center of our world?

How we admired and adored every little thing about him-

from the way he sometimes stands with his hands clasped behind his back like an old man...

to the smacking sounds his mouth makes when he eats.

Will he know that we thought every little thing he did was amazing?

Do we realize that we were this to our parents?

It's a beautifully haunting thought, isn't it?

just me + my boy

Last night, Holden and I had a couple of hours to ourselves. We decided to get out of the house and get some supper and go to (where else?) Target since daddy was working an evening shift and we hadn't been out of the house in a few days.

Lately, eating out and shopping with H have been a bit of a challenge. He is hitting the stage where he gets impatient in the highchair and in the shopping cart. It makes for less than relaxing/enjoyable outings. But last night? He was an angel and we enjoyed a wonderful evening together.

We've gone out many times- just the two of us. But I suppose I am getting sentimental about such trips these days because I know they are numbered. Soon, there will be another little munchkin with us. (If I ever get out of the house with two littles?) While I still hope to have "Mommy-Holden" dates after Baby #2 arrives, I am realistic enough to know they will most likely be few and far between.

So for now? I cherish these outings and these days where it is just the two of us. Just me and my first baby- the one who made me a mom.

I love you so much, Holden.

Oh.so.much.

(Threw a little fit not wanting to get out of the (empty) bathtub.) ;)

Mother's Day...

I've been a bad blogger lately.  Pretty much everything got neglected while Holden was sick all week last week.  (So thankful to have my baby back!)  This week, my hubby has been working on a research project so he has been hogging the computer.  I'm not big on blogging from my phone or netbook, thus the lack of posts.  Oh well, life happens and it's a good thing it does or I wouldn't have anything to blog about! ;)

I had a nice Mother's Day.  We spent the day with my family.  Church, out to eat, a NAP (!!!), and just hanging out.  Naps are something that I miss from my pre-motherhood days.  I remember a time when I would feel tired and say, "I think I'm going to go take a nap."  And I would!  For hours!  Seems crazy to me now!  On Mother's Day while Holden napped in the next room, Shon and I both passed out on my parents' couch.  It was delicious!  Anyway... on to some pictures from Mother's Day!

Grandma Gifts

My heart was very full on Mother's Day. 

I'm tellin' you all... 

GOD IS FAITHFUL!

worth it.

Holden is soon to be SIX months old!  This is somewhat alarming to me.  Half a year?  How did this happen!?  I feel like he is still NEW and yet when I used to think about six month old babies...I felt like they were "pretty old babies."  But mine isn't!  He's still pretty new!

I've been thinking back to when Holden was born a lot lately... mostly because one of my friends (from my old job as a NICU nurse) just had a darling baby boy.  When I think back to Holden's beginning, I think about how rough it was.  The quick labor progression which led to me not getting my epidural soon enough, the agonizing pain (to all of you superwomen mommas who intentionally went all natural out there...just roll your eyes at me now because I'm a wimp and didn't think it was a beautiful experience to be feeling everything...I just thought I was dying), the decelerations in his heart rate which caused the birth to be expedited even more via forceps, being dizzy and almost passing out directly after delivery, that big knot in his cord that still haunts me, the fact that I never got to lay his freshly born, messy little body on my chest or feed him until hours later, the total cluelessness about breastfeeding at first, feeling absolutely awful after delivery - racing heart, too hot and weak to take a shower or to stand up for very long, a circumcision that wouldn't stop bleeding, that first pediatrician's appointment where they told me that he had lost too much weight and that I needed to supplement, the fact that my milk didn't come in until Day 5 post-partum, the several stressful times we had to go back to the pediatrician's office for weight checks, the despairing and exhausted thoughts that I was never, ever going to sleep 8 hours ever again in my entire life.  Oh, and I physically hurt for what seemed like forever afterward.  I could expound upon that, but I'll spare you.

It was rough, y'all.  Sometimes I felt guilty for complaining because we had desperately and heartachingly wanted this baby.  I had been a NICU nurse and I had lived with a newborn before (my sister) and I had babysat newborns... I was used to babies...which was why I was shocked that I was shocked at how hard those first couple of weeks were!

After the first couple of weeks, it got better.  But this mommying thing still had it's challenges.  Breastfeeding was never the Heavens-opening-angels-singing experience for us that I read about some of you having.  It was more like pig wrestling.  Have you ever seen that event at a county fair?  It was a battle of wills.  It was the most stressful part about being a new-mom for me and continued to be until we ended the battle when Holden was around four months old.

All of this to say that I did have some more-experienced-than-I-moms intuitively tell me, "It does get better."  (I also had a best friend with a newborn at the same time who was honest and real with me, a.k.a. we vented and griped to each other which was a tremendous support.)  Bless them for that.  I doubted it at times.  But now...at almost six months of being a mom...I am writing this to tell you...it DOES get better!  It really, really does!

Now that run-on second paragraph above has turned into a new run-on second paragraph which goes something like this.  Smiles galore, giggles in abundance, kissing chubby cheeks, little hands feeling my face, looking in awe at my totally chill baby in a stroller on long walks around the neighborhood, trips to the zoo pushing my adorable sunglasses and floppy hat wearing son, singing songs to a smiling face, reading books, hearing tons of silly baby noises, laughing at hilarious sour faces when eating solid foods, rocking my precious baby to sleep praying and thanking God for His faithfulness and for allowing me to be this sweet boy's mommy.  Oh, and then laying that precious baby down and sleeping myself.  Glorious, sweet 8+ hours of sleep.

Honestly, when I see new moms saying that they are "enjoying every second" I want to scream out, "LIAR!"  However, it may be possible that some of you aren't as shocked as I was and perhaps we had it a little rougher than some when it came to certain things.  But if you are like I was and you get a little bit nauseous every time someone says, "But it's sooooo worth it, isn't it?" don't spend even the next second feeling guilty because, guess what?  In a few months, you will be able to nod your head and honestly and vehemently respond, "Yes, YES...it is (was!) soooooooooooooooo worth it.

a day out with my little buddy...

Daddy was on call yesterday...which meant that he was at the hospital by around 5 a.m. and didn't get home until around 10 p.m.  Makes for a looooong day...for him and me!  I knew we had to get out of the house...so Holden and I had a little day out together.  It wasn't the first time and it definitely won't be the last! ;)

First, we went to Target.  Duh.  What's a day out without Target?  That store.  Gosh.  I probably should have given it up for lent.  We spent a looong time in there.  We covered the bases- Starbucks, clothing sale racks, sports wear, baby section, home decor, and food.  I've always been fine with shopping "by myself"...it's cathartic.  And dangerous.

After Target, it was just about time to feed Holden and to feed myself.  We went to Panera but it was packed...so we ended up at Moe's.  I had a naked veggie burrito in the name of being healthy. Holden had formula. ;)  (Side note: Our breastfeeding days are over...sad face.  But that's another post...which I may or may not ever feel compelled to write.  Just tell me that "it's okay" and that he got great nutrition for the first 4 months of his life yadda-yadda and I will love you for it.  It all goes back to that mommy-guilt thing...ugh.)

Then we were off to the mall, where Holden slept in the ergo while I purchased his First Easter outfit!  I also browsed a few other stores...and then it was time to go home...but not before stopping at Chik-fil-a for a diet lemonade.  It was a gorgeous sunny day...which made me crave it.

Once we were home, we went for about a 25 minute walk around the neighborhood. Doug went, too.  He needs to lose some L.B.'s just as badly as I do. ;)  We've been going for a lot of walks lately and I think Holden really likes it.  He totally chillaxes in the stroller.

The rest of the evening was spent playing and waiting desperately for Daddy to get home.

It was a long, but good, day with my little buddy.  Oh...and my little buddy turned 5 months old yesterday.  Five months!?  Oy.  Time is flying these days.  I've heard it said before..."the days are long but the years are fast."  I think you definitely start living this reality once you have children.  Sigh...

Holden relaxing while Mommy got ready.

Matching :)

Target check-out

Playtime

my baby

Dear Holden,

There are plenty of things I "should" be doing right now. I need to put chili in the crockpot. I need to move laundry from the washer to the dryer. God knows I need to sweep the floors.

It is your morning nap time. I usually put you in your swing in your room and you sleep for 2-3 hours. However, when I got you out of your "Johnny-jump-up" just now I scooped you into my arms and plopped down on the couch. I sang silly songs to you ("Holdy likes to cuddle...Holdy likes to cuddle...yes he does...yes he does") and you smiled and smiled. Then I pressed my forehead to yours and you fell right to sleep. Most of the time, you prefer to be laid down for naps and have a hard time going to sleep while being held.

I keep thinking I should get up and take you to your swing...but you are just so sweet here in my arms. Lately, I have been keenly aware that you will never again be as little as you are today. So, I'm going to sit here and cuddle, kiss your forehead, just look at you, breathe in your baby scent.

I know one day, I will long to have this time with you back. Someday, all of your cuddles will belong to another woman. I will surely be jealous.

And I will be glad that I didn't get off the couch today.

I love you so much, sweet boy. You will always be my baby.

Love,
Mommy

a little phone dump

I took a lot of pictures with my phone yesterday... maybe it was because of the lack of facebook and pinterest?  Maybe it was because Holden was just extra cute?  Who knows...but I thought I'd share.

Made a little "coffee area" in our kitchen...which means I moved the microwave to the counter...and it doesn't look very good and takes up too much counter space.  But, I wanted a change...sooo I just choose to look at the little "coffee cart" which I like... and not the big honkin' microwave on the counter. ;)  We need a microwave over our stove soooo badly.  Have I mentioned that we live on a resident's salary alone?  

Womp womp...

One of Doug's very favorite spots to hang out while I'm doing laundry... What?  What's that you ask?  Oh, why, yes...he IS wearing underwear.  Well, more specifically a "belly band" that we have recently started putting on him to prevent his nasty habit of wanting to mark everything.  

Basically, it keeps me from killing him. :)

Eating oatmeal....we sent these pics to Daddy at work because he was having "Holdy withdrawals."

After oatmeal, he got a bottle.  This is ticked-off Holden because the bottle was gone.  I swear, we could feed him a whole 9 oz. bottle (never tried it...he gets 5-6 oz) and he would still be mad when it was over.

Time for a walk!

Nap in bouncy seat

Got the over 500 pictures from Snapfish that I ordered.  Don't load your pictures directly from facebook to Snapfish.  Most of them are fuzzy/grainy/weirdish looking.  I'm trying to not be furious about it.

Naptime again

Baby feet + Mommy feet

Bathy boy!

Annnnd....this was just minutes ago.  Apparently, I'm hilarious. :)