blah

my heart is heavy.
sometimes it seems like it gets heavier each day.
2010 has been a tough year.
for me, it's been a year of loss.

january 2010, i lost my pappaw.

oh, how i miss him.
april 25, i lost our first baby.  our first pregnancy. at 10 weeks.
it was devastating.
and although i have come to accept it, it is still devastating.
losing a child, even one that you never got to meet, is indescribable.
only those who have experienced the same type of loss really understand.
all of the fantasies and dreams you have about being pregnant one day and about having a baby one day are shattered.
i had looked forward to being pregnant and becoming a mom for what seems like my whole life.
shon and i have daydreamed about names for our future children for years.
we experienced the elation of seeing that positive pregnancy test after 6 months of negative ones...
i experienced morning (evening, actually) sickness...
we had name possibilities...
we were talking about nursery ideas...
only to have it end at 10 weeks.
from the minute you see that positive pregnancy test (if not before), you picture your child.
you see yourself 9 months pregnant.
you see yourself holding your newborn baby.
you can almost feel the overwhelming joy of seeing your baby's face.
you think about the first time you will take your baby home.
in your mind, the child inside you has been born, grown into a child, then a teenager, gone off to college, gotten married, and made you grandparents.
when you lose a baby, you lose those dreams...you lose the future.
as my due date draws nearer, my feelings of deep loss creep up on me again,
like a thick fog that i want to see through but can't.
and i realize that i've been sad for the past 6 months.
and i'm so sick of being sad.
but it just never seems to end.
and i desperately want to be pregnant again...
but we play the waiting game again.
the waiting game that will hopefully eventually lead to another positive test.
we wait while many others around us get their plus signs...and while we are genuinely happy for them, we're sad for ourselves.
unfortunately, i am all too aware now that a positive test does not necessarily lead to holding your baby in your arms.
i know i will not be healed until that day.
and every month with another negative test prolongs that healing.
and i wonder, when will it be my turn?
when will it be our turn?
we have been together for 10 years,
married for 2.
we love each other.
we have a wonderful marriage.
we are good people.
we could provide for our child in more ways than one.
so why not us?
life is not fair.
it does not care who you are.
my patience has been tested enough.
i'm growing weary.
my heart is broken and aching.
how much longer until we get our dream?
i could have never pictured this years ago when i was playing "house" and dreaming about my future life.
my husband tells me that no matter what- we have each other and that we will love each other until we're old and gray.
he's right.
and i am so lucky.
but he's a man.
perhaps he cannot fully grasp the innate desire i have to be a mother.
i am enough for him...and for that i am truly thankful.
i would not be able to get out of bed if it weren't for him.
but my heart still aches.
i want to go back to the days of my youth.
to the days of my innocence and naivety.
to the days when i would stick out my flat stomach and pretend to be pregnant.
what then seemed so exciting now seems terrifying.
2010 has taken my pappaw too soon...
and it has taken my innocence...
and it has broken my heart.
i can only hope and pray and beg that 2011 is a better year.
i want to be ending 2011 with tears of joy instead of sorrow.
dear Lord, give me strength for today and hope for tomorrow.