today

Today, Monday, November 22, 2010, was the day we were supposed to meet our first child.  Today was the due date of the baby we lost at ten weeks on April 25, 2010.


I did not know how the day would affect me.  I dreaded it.  I made sure I was off work just in case I was incapacitated.  I cringed when I saw the date 11-22-10 on anything.  Seriously.... I once searched for a gallon of milk with a different expiration date than Nov 22 because I didn't want to have to look at the date.


Now the day is nearing its end and by the time I finish this post, it will be over.  Surprisingly, it was not as bad as I thought it might be.  I found myself resolving to not waste the day.  I did not want to put myself through a day of crying and wallowing in my emptiness.  What good would that do?  It would not change anything.  Instead, I spent the day doing "normal" things that I enjoy.  I stayed in bed a little extra longer than usual- I snuggled with Douglas and thought about how thankful I am to have such a sweet, funny, cuddly little dog who can always make me smile.  I had breakfast and checked my internet stuff as usual.  I got ready and went to Target.  I got Starbucks and ribbon and beads for our Christmas tree.  I also went to Bed, Bath, & Beyond, Michael's, and Old Time Pottery.  Then, I met my hubby for a delicious supper at Olive Garden.  We came home.  Shon got the Christmas tree down and we put it up and started on the decorations.  Shon went to bed.  And now, here I am.


A "normal" day.  A good day, filled with many of my favorite things.  I cannot say why it was not the horrible day I had anticipated.  I think it was mainly because I willed it not to be.  I also had God's strength and comfort, many prayers, and a few thoughtful friends who acknowledged the tough day and gave their support.  I had my wonderful husband whom I adore.  I know it was not a fun day for him either.  As silly as it sounds, the overall feeling of the day was kind of like, "Bummer."  Big bummer....and as I told a few people...the day wasn't all that much unlike every other day... a part of me is sad every day.  But...life goes on....whether you want it to or not.  You can lay in bed and cry all day or you can participate in this crazy, beautiful, ugly, wonderful, awful, joyful, painful mess of a life we all live.  We chose to participate today.


This is not to say that I don't feel a knife through my heart when I think about what could have been.  It is not to say that I haven't felt my eyes get watery several times today.  It is not to say that I did not/do not love and miss my baby.  I do.  So much.  This baby will always be our first pregnancy...our first excitement over a positive test...our first child.  I cherish the short amount of time this baby was a part of me...and the short amount of time that we celebrated his/her existence and envisioned our future with him/her.  There are not words to describe a mother's love, are there?  A mother's love is the love I have for that baby...and will always have.  I look forward to the day when we are blessed with children here on Earth...and I look forward to the day when we meet our first child in Heaven.


Thanks to those of you who have supported and loved us through our heartbreak.  Thank you to those of you who celebrated with us while we were expecting.  Thank you to those of you who have prayed for us, sent us flowers, e-mails, cards, or just been there throughout our loss.  Thank you to those of you who reached out to us and/or prayed for us today.  Please keep us in your prayers.  We know that in God's perfect timing, we will become parents again.


Today, I do not have a baby to hold.  We are not reveling in the amazement of 10 tiny fingers and 10 tiny toes.  We cannot see the long-awaited face of our sweet babe.  But, we have each other, great family and friends, and a loving Savior who promises to be near to the brokenhearted and to prosper us with hope and a future.  Everything else is just a bonus.  We have everything we need.


I do have this book.  A friend gave it to me after we found out we were expecting.  It started out as kind of a pregnancy scrapbook....and ended up being pretty much the only thing I have to remember our first pregnancy and baby.  In honor and memory of our precious, tiny, sweet babe, I would like to share it with you:

(This beautiful poem can be found here.)

This hat was 1 hat out of a 3-pack from my mom.  I am saving the other two for baby's future brother or sister...but this one is our first baby's hat forever.

Sweet blessing, tiny, precious baby...you were ours...and you were wanted and loved. You will always have a special piece of our hearts that only you can fill.  I consider myself your mommy...and besides Doug the Pug...you're the only one who makes me a mom.  I love you.